Beacon Center of Tennessee Receives $9 Million Incentive Package from Metro Nashville Government*


April 1, 2017 8:00AM

In a surprise twist, the Beacon Center of Tennessee received an incentive package from the city of Nashville to the tune of $9 million to move its offices to a building located at 500 Church St, one block from its current headquarters. The Metro Council passed the incentive package by a vote of 37-1, with Nashville Mayor Magen Berry calling it a “no-brainer.”

The incentive package is expected to create 370 jobs at the Beacon Center, which will boost the local economy and make Nashville a more attractive place for tourists who love free markets and individual liberty.

Councilman Steel N. Money noted, “This is a great day for our city. Nashville continues to show the rest of the country what a business-friendly city really looks like. While we have made other great investments like $14 million for a water park locals can’t use and $45 million for a television show that got canceled, we think this investment to move the Beacon Center an entire block down the street might be the best one yet.”

When asked how they came up with the 370 jobs number, Money responded, “The return on this investment will be great, trust me. We paid people who agree with us and have an incentive to show massive job creation a boatload of money for an economic analysis, and they came up with 370 jobs. That’s about as scientific as it gets.” Money later said that there was no way to check how many jobs the Beacon Center will create because the law requires absolutely no transparency when it comes to corporate handouts, but that he can undoubtedly be trusted that every job promised will be created.

Mark Cunningham, spokesman for the Beacon Center noted, “This is a great deal for everyone involved. Sure, the taxpayers need to cough up $9 million, but think of all the benefits the taxpayers will get. I mean, I will now be making $500,000 a year now, so it has definitely benefited this Nashville taxpayer. Plus we will be an entire block over from where we are now, that has to benefit taxpayers in some way, right?”

Cunningham finished by just repeating the word “jobs” 400 hundred times.

At press time, and in completely unrelated news, the Beacon Center has shut down their website 

*Happy April Fool’s Day