Mayor Cooper Cancels Halloween
BY JUSTIN OWEN
NOTE: This post is satire. At least for now, Mayor Cooper has not attempted to cancel an entire holiday.
Nashville Mayor John Cooper on Monday announced that Halloween 2020 was canceled. Despite new COVID-19 cases dropping to their lowest levels since mid-April, the mayor warned that allowing children to participate in the annual October 31st festivities could destroy all progress made.
In a news conference, Cooper embraced his familiar “father knows best” tone, telling the city’s children that they hadn’t earned the right to trick-or-treat this year. He lectured adults, too, that their unwillingness to listen to him meant that they would have to stash their candy, keep their porch lights off, and shoo away any mini-superheroes, ghosts, or goblins.
To enforce this new directive, the mayor announced that the Metro Health Department would issue a new rulemaking it a crime for any child under 18 to wear a mask in public. When pressed on whether this conflicted with the department’s existing rule requiring masks to be worn in public, the mayor refused to answer. Children wearing masks or not wearing masks are now subject to 30 days in jail or a $50 fine.
To further deter Nashville residents from purchasing Halloween candy, Cooper unveiled plans to increase the sales tax by 32% on all candy sold in the city.
Cooper did acknowledge that all of the city’s metrics for analyzing the pandemic’s impact are better than they have been in months. As such, the mayor generously expanded the capacity of restaurants and bars. The city will not, however, fully move to Phase 3. But in Modified Phase 2 Modified, restaurant capacity can now increase from 50% to 51%. Bars can welcome 26 rather than 25 patrons at a time. The 10:30 pm curfew for all bars and restaurants will be extended by 30 seconds starting Tuesday.
Still, Cooper warned that he was keeping a list of those still being naughty and that he will be consulting that list come Christmas time.